End

No I’m not alive when I’m with others in any case I’m not alive when I’m with them. Now time will be real time in the way that I can feel the minutes and the seconds and the time will have texture and I’ll know it’s actually time. Before this I had it all wrong really because only now am I going to be able to know mornings like the time that a morning is and nights grainy and exactly the amount of time a night is supposed to be—they won’t distort these things anymore. They won’t be sitting standing telling stories making jokes making it seem short and they won’t be angry at each other or frowning and sometimes withholding and frowning or that time she didn’t call for days that made it long and dark but it’s not that way she was long and dark and she distorted it. It occurs to me that now I know this perhaps I would have done one or two things differently but I couldn’t have known it before anyway because they were all there all the time. Now that they’re gone now that they’re gone these things will come together like they are meant to. Oh now that I know. This really may be it after all thank god.